Lately, these days I feel useless.
I feel needy and insecure. It’s not a great place to be. Trust me.
In fact I find myself avoiding too much contact with friends because frankly I’m embarrassed. I’m afraid my neediness has gotten to a point where they feel obliged to intervene, giving me advice on every little worry I have. They see I can’t fix it myself, so they reach out to help.
Over and over my friends (and most frequently, my husband) suggest ways to run my business, how to manage my personal life. This is because I ask them….beg them to help me solve my problems. They give me pep talks, cheer me on, and tell me where I’m going right and wrong. This is wonderful. I know they do this out of love and I cherish that, but at some point I have to stop asking for help.
I have surrounded myself with fixers. They’re my favorite kind of people. In fact, I’m a fixer too! We see problems and we solve them. And most importantly, if we see people suffer, we are there to help.
Lately I’m two people: first I’m this horrible, insecure girl who feeds off of her own neediness, putting up the white flag of distress all the time, because she’s too scared to take responsibility for her own actions. I hate that part of me, more than any other part. It makes me ashamed to even write it. BUT on the other side there’s a deeper part of me, a beautiful, strong, proud self that KNOWS the answer ….or a least has the courage to make a good guess.
So as I’m sitting here on my porch, enjoying the magnificent Florida spring weather, I say this: Yes, I am in a slump, yes I am doubting myself. Lately my worries are taking charge, but within that darkness I am seeing where I fall short, recognizing that I am sometimes weak, sometimes scared. And that’s okay.
Strong people are people who aren’t afraid to be weak. They are people who know when to ask for help, but they also know when to say “I got this. I’ll fix this one on my own.” www.beckypourchot.com