I Am Not Me


I’ve always been skeptical of epiphanies…you know, those shining moments when the world finally makes sense? Frankly I’m not an epiphany sort of gal…I’m more a mull and worry until something vaguely resembles a solution, but here I’ve been this past year and something has changed—radically. I’m not me. I mean I’m very much me…but not quite the me who I was raised to be. This emerging self is comfortable with who she is. She’s forgiving and loving and sees her life as not a series of failures, but a series of triumphs. Shame, my greatest enemy is just an echo. For the first time I am not in the passenger seat, but behind the wheel, making choices. In control.

So, I know if my old psychiatrist read this…or my dad for that matter (he was a psychiatrist as well) he would say “We better check your meds. You’re sounding a bit manic.”

I mean yeah, I suppose that diagnosis could fit. Tragically mania has been my go-to explanation for the times when life was going well.  Honestly, I find it hard to believe these feelings are caused by illness. This new mental state is grounded and steady…and in fact I feel healthier than I ever have before. I’m the one in control of my mood, not the other way around.

So, if it’s not a misfiring of a mentally ill brain, what is it?

Things started opening up when I picked up Neale Donald Walsch‘s Conversations with God. I won’t go into it all, but I will tell you two key tenants 1)There is no good or bad. Everything we are, everything we do is a part of “God”. 2) Everything in life is a choice. We have absolute control. Our decisions can be broken down into love or fear. Which you choose is entirely up to you.

Since then I met a woman who is a certified hypnotist. I must say I was skeptical, but when my friend with excruciating pain returned pain free I decided to give it a try.

I was scared, but somehow I also knew it was time to try.

The day after my first session with Sue, I felt strong. I was refreshed, relaxed and at ease. Now, for someone whose mind is like a grazing rabbit, always on the lookout for danger, this feeling was liberating—if not a little bit perplexing. But you know what? The feeling has stuck. I’ve since been practicing hypnotism on my own, resolving inner turmoil by visiting the dark parts of my mind and I realize I AM in control.

I see now there is no need for fear, nothing to be ashamed of because we are 100% beings of love. That’s it—just pure love and if we treat ourselves as such we can become powerful, compassionate beings without the baggage of fear and hate to weigh us down.

Now I must say, these revelations didn’t come by just picking up a book. These are ideas I’ve had with me my whole life. They are things people I love have shared with me, but it’s just now that it has clicked and ceased to be merely ideas. Now, I feel as if these concepts are embedded in my soul.

I’ll keep blogging about this wonderful journey I have found myself on. I’m expecting there to be snags along the way.  I’ll share those too.

In the meantime I’m going to keep up with the self-hypnosis and let go of the shame I was taught as a child. I am no longer afraid of my own power. I am not a helpless daughter, but a woman with the strength to do amazing things in her life. The power is in my hands, what I do with it is yet to be seen.

Have any of you out there experienced life revelations?  When is it mental illness and when is it personal growth?

Peace to you all!!



  1. Dropping an old way of being is a bit like not being oneself, while at the same time being more of oneself. I don’t know your experience, but I do know mine. I like to think of it as letting go of the story of me (the imagined me) and becoming aware of the me right now. The me of the story is stuck in the narrative. Sometimes good and sometimes bad, but still stuck there. The me of right now is free to choose. The me right now can choose to be happy. The me in the story (the conditioned me) has to keep slogging along, enduring. The me of this moment is free.

  2. I know I couldn’t have said it any better, Becky. My life revelation is that today I’m at my oldest I’ve ever been in my life, and also the best I’ve ever felt both mentally and physically. I will strive to be older and better tomorrow, and I’m going to get at least 50% of that right. 🙂

  3. I too, have been labeled manic when I think all that was going on was that I was at a normal mood. Frustrating. I read a devotional called “Jesus Calling”. It talks a lot about how God wants you to focus on Him, not on excessive planning and worrying about the future. This has settled me down a lot.

  4. Hi there, sounds like an awesome ‘flow’ to me. To wake up each day and do what you want to do with passion, that’s fantastic! That is a wonderful thing! So many people just go to work every day and it’s totally boring. I love creating, or hand crafting something. Those are my favorite hours of the week, but it’s not all the time. Sounds like you have an awesome collection of fun jobs!!! That book that you discussed ‘Conversations with God’ – I totally agree with the continuum between fear and love. You can’t have both. When I learned about that a while ago my fear (after my little guy was sick) was less and worry is less. Good stuff. The other tenant about everything being God, whew, that’s a lot different from what I believe. I think that there is good and bad. Interesting…

    1. I believe strongly that everything is God…but part of the joy in life is knowing people see this world completely differently. And yes, the flow is good. Thanks for writing back!

  5. My childhood was overshadowed by a mentally ill mother who attempted suicide numerous times. She hated motherhood and was always quick to make me aware of that. When the lady next door had a screaming nervous breakdown and was hauled off in an ambulance, I asked my mother what caused it. Her reply was, “Kids.” Mom was chronically depressed and addicted to an old nerve pill called ‘Miltowns,’ among other things. I remember one summer day when she, my brother, and I were in our front yard. A heavy commercial dump truck was rolling down the hill and she tried to walk in front of it. My childhood was filled with scenes like that. As little kids in elementary school, my brother and I would go to school with Mom upstairs in bed passed out on drugs. We’d come home to find her still there. I grew up believing that I was responsible for the misery of the most important person in my life. When I became an adult, I stopped blaming Mom. But, I have walked through life starved for reassurance that I am actually lovable. I’m 65 years old and my mother is finally at peace. I understand her mental illness now, and I certainly no longer blame her. She needed help, and in that rural area in which we lived, there was no one for her to turn to. But, I still carry her pain with me. I never saw my mother when she was happy and, even if I live to be 100, I will still believe that there must have been more that I could have done to help her. I love your post. It’s moving and powerful and honest. I believe that, unless we are emotionally invincible, all of us are broken in some way. And there is always someone standing by to slap a label on us. I think you have found your center…your inner peace. My inner peace came when my mother died and finally found her peace. I can go to bed at night knowing that she is no longer struggling with the chaos of life. (See what I did there? I loved your book.)

    1. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t even begin to understand the pain of knowing the person you love most in the world is in constant pain. I’m glad she’s at peace now…and that you are too.

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