This morning I woke up in a horrible funk…once again angry at myself for all the ways I’ve declared myself a failure. It seems to be a pattern lately, waking up in despair.
So, since it’s Sunday and I don’t have to get the kids off to school I decided to try something different. I slipped on some clothes and walked down to the beach. When I got there the morning sky was glowing, rays of sunlight pouring through the clouds onto the ocean’s surface.
I stepped in the sand and did my morning “yoga” prayer to the sea, then settled myself on a step at the beach walkover. With no particular plan I ripped out half a page out of a notebook I had brought along. I then began scrawling all the things I “hated” about myself—all those things that ran through my head while I laid in bed most mornings…my neediness, my lack of order, the ways I’ve clearly fail my family, friends and myself….all my inadequacies. I didn’t hold back one bit.
Then with pleasure I shredded the half sheet into little pieces and stepped into the water. With a smile on my face I tossed the paper in, watching the little fragments flutter into the ocean like a flock of tiny birds on their final flight.
I then walked back to my seat, where my notebook and pen sat. In front of me was the remaining, blank half sheet of paper.
Looking at it I decided it needed to be filled. And so I began to write a response to those negative words that were now part of the waves:
This is you. The one here in this moment, connected to the ocean, connected to God. Fear is just a distant whisper—a memory of need and loss. It serves no purpose anymore.
You are here—magnificent, with all the knowledge you need in the palm of your hand. You are the light that streams through the clouds, the breeze that blows, the changing tide. Your heart breaths light.
Chaos and order are just perceptions. The world is both—neither good nor bad.
I hereby free you from your obsessions, your worry. These are distant calls. They are no longer needed in this magnificent place.
Now—tell this to your heart! Worry and self-hatred are no longer you.
You are beauty, light, and love.
And so, I came back from the beach feeling calm and clean, free from my worries.
It’s going to be a good day.