conversations with god

2015: The Year I Found my Heart

9972380_s

I reclined back in a big, lazy boy chair in the office of Sue David, an 85 year old hypnotist who I had met a few weeks before. I didn’t even know why I was there really…curiosity I suppose.

Sue’s voice was even and calm and my mind easily followed it as she led me through a healing exercise. Guided by her words I envisioned my blood pumping through my body bringing nourishment and health throughout it.

I was listening, feeling calm and to my surprise completely in control…in fact I remember wondering what all this business was on focusing on healthy blood and such, when something she said, I don’t remember what exactly, triggered something deep within me.

It felts as if my heart burst open…flooded with love, like liquid gold pouring out in a perpetual ecstatic flow. Warmth covered my body and in that moment I knew all was good. All of it. Even in the suffering, I was loved.

I don’t think Sue’s intent was to send me into a euphoric journey, but for whatever reason it worked. I spent the next few days feeling a gentle, blissful high that no drug, no medication could equate with.

The thing is it kept going. I started doing self-hypnosis daily and because I’m not good at listening to what anyone tells me, I crafted my own version that somehow melds hypnosis with mediation, shamanistic journeying and prayer. Really, I’m just sitting alone in my bedroom, breathing deep and letting myself be, dropping the pretenses of all my fears, simply speaking to the darkness and the wisdom within. Maybe I’m talking to God, maybe I’ve connected to my soul, or maybe it’s simply mild psychosis….I don’t know…frankly what you call it doesn’t matter to me. Whatever it is, I go back to it whenever I can and let life flow through me, reminding me of who I truly am.

I could end the story there and you’d think “Well then, this chick has it all figured out” but quite the contrary. Life is life and the pendulum always swings, and I will tell you, glowing heart or not, this has been one f%*@ing hard year.

Probably too existential for my own good this golden outpouring of my heart opened me so far, so wide, that I was left no longer knowing which way to go.  I questioned everything…my purpose, my destiny…but instead of rewriting my book entirely, abandoning the solid path, of all things, I bought a motorcycle. So now rather than giving up on everyone I love, I not only have my devoted husband, my kids, and the strongest, most fantastic friendships I’ve ever had, but I also have a cute little Honda Rebel 250 that reminds me I can do whatever I set my mind to (plus gets me to 70mph on the open road!)

I have learned through my dear friend Marybeth (aka Marydreds!!) the phrase “let go, and let god”. I use it almost daily. And I tell you, when I let go of my need to control, my need to micromanage all the little outcomes in my life, miracles happen. These aren’t big miracles, like the parting of the red sea or anything, but instead they are little messages, signs, as if the Universe is saying “ yes….yes…you’re doing everything as you should.” It is in these moments I feel an out pouring of love towards myself, my friends, strangers, “enemies”!! I see their struggles, their fear, the pain, and love them unconditionally.

I’m just a baby on this road. I’m making it up as I go. Like all of us, my karmic path is thick with crap I’ve accumulated over a lifetime (or more!). Most the time it feels like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m saying the wrong things, getting upset over silly stuff, feeling jealousy, greed, rage…but something has changed, just a little. I’m not taking it all too seriously. I’m standing a few feet back from my problems looking in and smiling, because for the first time I see the whole of it…like seeing the yin and yang, not for it’s separate pieces, but for its whole.

A few months back my wonderful friend Tim was teasing me incessantly for my overuse of the word amazing. Life is amazing…and it’s beautiful…but it’s also horrible and hard. The trick is as I’m learning from him is to walk the line, not get so swept up in the extremes. Bliss is fantastic.  Joy and euphoria are the things that make life sweet, but the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

The Buddhists, as I understand it, try to remove themselves from the wheel of life, the incessant spinning, the ups and downs. And so, following this logic, I go into this new year, standing back…ever so slightly, fully participating, yet also aware there is beauty and joy in letting go and not holding too tight onto the “should be’s” and the illusions of “ever afters.”

As I rode my motorcycle the other day over the huge bridge that crosses into Flagler Beach, looking at the expansive Atlantic Ocean I once again felt that ecstatic outpouring of joy.  As the blissful sensation filled my being I smiled knowing everything is perfect, just as it is.

Life is hard, but it is also magnificent.

I don’t have all the answers—not in the least, but I know right now, in this golden moment, life is good.

Peace.

May the wisdom of your soul whisper sweet words in your ear…and may you always be ready to hear it.

Happy holidays!!!

Love,

Becky

Advertisements

Beautiful and Broken: Redefining Depression

47274072_m

I have been depressed…well, I think that’s what you call it. I have felt unmotivated to write, uninterested in finding a job, failing to eat right, or care for my home. I have detached myself from my family and opted for time alone.

Then this morning I woke up at 4:30am, as I do sometimes, and I simply starred into the blackness of the room. Rather than overthink and brood (like I do so well), I just breathed in and out and allowed myself to shed myself of all the noise, the guilt, and the feelings of inadequacies that stirred within.

As I did this I tried something. I let the darkness speak back to me.

With gentle, loving firmness it said:

I see you running around in life, chattering away in your head, trying to make something of this little existence of yours.

“Ta da!” you say. “Look at me. I’m a writer!”

“Ta-da! Look at me I’m a good mom!”

“Look how lovable I am!”

But it feels empty doesn’t it? Because these labels, these actions are less about You as a human being and more about what you want people to think of you.

“I am a woman who writes good novels”

“I am a woman who organizes events”

“I am a woman who makes people happy”

or on the flip side what you tell yourself when you’re alone….

“I am needy”

“I am a disaster”

“I am mentally ill”

…and on and on and on…

These definitions are you if you choose, but really, if you ask me? I think you’re just using these labels as a disguise for the real wonderful YOU that you are.

Be depressed if that is what you want.  This is your choice but recognize that darkness is only what you make it. Perhaps this “bad” feeling you have is simply the sadness of letting go—letting go of who you think you should be.

Depression is about fear, but I know you, you’re not really afraid, not deep inside. Inside you know the Truth of who you are. Depression is just another mask you wear.

Picture this—Imagine those marvelous little selves that you have created, each a beautiful work of art. Imagine all these versions of “you” hanging as paintings in a gallery, on the walls of a museum. You’ve got one titled “Mom”, one titled “Writer” one titled “Fun loving”, one titled “Clever” Look how nicely you’ve treated these images your whole life, with their nice golden frames, so perfectly placed for everyone to see.

But think of this, maybe they are not You. They are likenesses, merely facsimiles of you. The truth of it is that your “you-ness” is constantly changing, a moving target. You will never be the image on the wall, not really anyway, and the more you try to preserve yourself as those exact paintings you will fail, because those pictures are static and you, my dear, are not.

So now, as you stand there in front of your masterpieces, imagine yourself, one by one pulling them off the walls, as aggressively as you’d like. Imagine even, if you’d like, splitting each of them over your knee, sending an echoing crack through the museum.

And when you are done, settle yourself on the floor around the broken frames, the torn canvases, the paintings you called “you”.

And as you sit there, looking at the mess, let yourself feel sad. Feel that loss, that realization that maybe you’re not really who you said you are. Maybe you never even were. And as you look at the debris let these words come to you:

“Without those paintings I am nothing,”

Pause for that for a second and say it again: “I am nothing.”

It feels scary, maybe?

BUT What if…just what if… in that nothingness you are in fact everything…an absolute duality of all and nothing. What if as you shed these “supposed to be’s” you become simply YOU.

Look around at how beautiful and broken you are: a glorious, glowing fragment of all that there is.

Yes, you are mom, you are writer, you are friend, you are fun and clever but you are those things not because someone told you that’s what you are, you are those things because it reflects your essence, your Truth. In the end people don’t care about the “ta-da” they care about You.

Don’t be afraid to be nothing…because out of the rumble of emptiness comes beautiful, glorious You.

You are not depressed my dear, just walking the path of continually letting go.

I Am Not Me

18535064_s

I’ve always been skeptical of epiphanies…you know, those shining moments when the world finally makes sense? Frankly I’m not an epiphany sort of gal…I’m more a mull and worry until something vaguely resembles a solution, but here I’ve been this past year and something has changed—radically. I’m not me. I mean I’m very much me…but not quite the me who I was raised to be. This emerging self is comfortable with who she is. She’s forgiving and loving and sees her life as not a series of failures, but a series of triumphs. Shame, my greatest enemy is just an echo. For the first time I am not in the passenger seat, but behind the wheel, making choices. In control.

So, I know if my old psychiatrist read this…or my dad for that matter (he was a psychiatrist as well) he would say “We better check your meds. You’re sounding a bit manic.”

I mean yeah, I suppose that diagnosis could fit. Tragically mania has been my go-to explanation for the times when life was going well.  Honestly, I find it hard to believe these feelings are caused by illness. This new mental state is grounded and steady…and in fact I feel healthier than I ever have before. I’m the one in control of my mood, not the other way around.

So, if it’s not a misfiring of a mentally ill brain, what is it?

Things started opening up when I picked up Neale Donald Walsch‘s Conversations with God. I won’t go into it all, but I will tell you two key tenants 1)There is no good or bad. Everything we are, everything we do is a part of “God”. 2) Everything in life is a choice. We have absolute control. Our decisions can be broken down into love or fear. Which you choose is entirely up to you.

Since then I met a woman who is a certified hypnotist. I must say I was skeptical, but when my friend with excruciating pain returned pain free I decided to give it a try.

I was scared, but somehow I also knew it was time to try.

The day after my first session with Sue, I felt strong. I was refreshed, relaxed and at ease. Now, for someone whose mind is like a grazing rabbit, always on the lookout for danger, this feeling was liberating—if not a little bit perplexing. But you know what? The feeling has stuck. I’ve since been practicing hypnotism on my own, resolving inner turmoil by visiting the dark parts of my mind and I realize I AM in control.

I see now there is no need for fear, nothing to be ashamed of because we are 100% beings of love. That’s it—just pure love and if we treat ourselves as such we can become powerful, compassionate beings without the baggage of fear and hate to weigh us down.

Now I must say, these revelations didn’t come by just picking up a book. These are ideas I’ve had with me my whole life. They are things people I love have shared with me, but it’s just now that it has clicked and ceased to be merely ideas. Now, I feel as if these concepts are embedded in my soul.

I’ll keep blogging about this wonderful journey I have found myself on. I’m expecting there to be snags along the way.  I’ll share those too.

In the meantime I’m going to keep up with the self-hypnosis and let go of the shame I was taught as a child. I am no longer afraid of my own power. I am not a helpless daughter, but a woman with the strength to do amazing things in her life. The power is in my hands, what I do with it is yet to be seen.

Have any of you out there experienced life revelations?  When is it mental illness and when is it personal growth?

Peace to you all!!

www.beckypourchot.com

When Life Gives You Flying Monkeys

flying monkey

I’m sitting in bed with my favorite blanket on my lap listening to this silly Native American flute music hoping it will elicit something deep and meaningful for my blog post… maybe some spirit guide will pop in for a visit, I dunno. So far I’ve got nada.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “Being Who You Are”. This isn’t just “Ta da! I’m the cute girl in the spandex pants.” This is the core You on the path you’ve been on since the day you were born (or before!)

Imagine you’re lost in a foreign place and all you want is to go home. You’ve got this yellow brick road in front of you and you have been told (by some adorable munchkins) if you follow it good things will come.

On this road you meet some interesting characters and they decide to join you on your journey (as all good friends do!).

Staying true to You, you persist even though there are some nasty things along the way: flying monkeys, poison poppies and giant trees that throw apples at you, to name a few.

oz tree

So,here you are with apple size bruises all over your body. You just want to turn in those slippers that nice lady gave you and call it a day, but you keep going because this is your role as a traveler, to be there in that moment, even when it sucks. You don’t know exactly what waits for you up ahead, but that doesn’t matter, because you have a single goal: to find your way home.

The irony of this story comes at the end from the lady in the puffy dress: “You’ve had the power all along.”

glenda

That’s right… YOU were always there. All that strength you wished for was always there. Every moment of that journey you were right where you needed to be.

I am realizing now, we all have ruby red slippers and every day we walk a yellow brick road. Even in the crappy moments we are living out our story, just as we are meant to.

Yeah, Dorothy had the power to go home…but maybe home was an illusion. Maybe she was already there.

Peace,

Becky

Credit to author Tim Baker of Blindogg Books, whose reminded me of Glenda’s words many, many times.

film_wizardofoz002

Falling in Love

virginia.preston_tantric-yoga-art

Late in 2014 I decided something big…something life changing. I decided I was no longer going to live my life in fear. This is big stuff coming from a girl who was diagnosed with every anxiety disorder known to the psychiatric world by the age of twelve.

But here I am in the new year and it’s working.

The changes are subtle, and probably not noticeable to even my close family and friends, but I feel a shift. Sure, the fear is still there, however what’s different is how I respond to it.

As the anxiety grows, I take note of the tension in me, my wild heart, my racing mind. Then I look at my fears and I say, “This has been nice and all, but it’s time for me to move on.”

And I do!

I’m a busy person. I love to take on lots of projects, set lots of goals, see lots of people, and connect with the world. It’s who I am…and it’s the way I learn and grow, but a full calendar will also get my anxious brain spinning. A busy life is food for anxiety. If I don’t keep my worry in check it blossoms into something ugly and very unhealthy.

Love is the opposite of fear. I’m finding when I nudge fear aside, I can make room for love and when I do really good things happen.

With this in mind, when I start feeling scared I stop and say to myself, “Hold on a second! Take a breath. Now look around for the love.” And when I do, it appears—in the way my husband holds my hand, the way the light from the sun shines between the trees, the way my body feels resting beneath my favorite blanket.

Love is all around. It’s not always big and monumental. In fact it’s usually small and delicate, hidden in the places we’re afraid to look.

And so in celebration of love I’ve been writing love letters to myself. Using the model created by Neale Donald Walsch in his series Conversations with God. I’m allowing myself to do the same and talk with God.

God thinks I’m great. “He” thinks all of you are amazing too. He’s our biggest fan! What I like most about this God that I channel is that he speaks without fear. He is pure love. He’s the voice that we’re all scared to listen to, because we’ve been told our whole lives that we’re subpar, that we’ll never reach our goals because we’re just not good enough. That’s bullshit! You and I know this. It’s fear at its finest.

So sure, maybe this God I’m talking to is just an aspect of me, but I don’t care. There’s something so deep and empowering about these letters. This is me at my finest—without fear.

And so I’m doing this, this weird soul searching path to freedom. It’s kinda nuts, I know. Even the people I love had deep doubts about it. But for the first time I have faith in me. My life is about growth, becoming who I really am. Amazing things are happening as I open up to love.  What’s really cool is that I’m realizing these amazing things have always been there, but now I’m just allowing myself to see them.

Love is there. It’s there because we believe it’s there, because we allow it to exist.

There’s no need to be afraid, because when you fall, love is there to catch you.  Let yourself fall in love!

Peace,

Becky

The Year in Review….Sort Of

I have a lousy memory. Details that everyone around me can recall are just hazy thoughts, like a dream I barely remember upon waking up.

The thought of this used to make me panic. I worried about the precious moments slipping away from me, but while I lament over not being able to remember the details of my children’s first step, I don’t linger on the past, because quite frankly, I can’t remember it so well.

This fuzziness of my history makes time feel very slow. Events that happened a year ago feel like ages ago. People always say “time speeds up as you age” but for me it’s the opposite. My life behind me is just a jumble of faint emotions, blips of reality.

So here I am living in this little bubble of the present and it’s not so bad. I take a lot of pictures and I make sure the people around me keep reminding me of our stories.

For what little memory I have, I will say last year, I really struggled with my shit.

Boy, did I!

But I think all that “shit struggling” was actually the best part of the year. I faced myself head on and wrestled my demons. I looked at the anger, fear and desperation in the eye. I faced the things that were hurting myself and the people around me and smiled at it all playfully.

Although I am FAR from perfect, sometimes, rather than beating myself up for my shortcomings I chose to sit down and chat with my little demons:

“Hey, demons,” I say, “We’re in this together, you and me. We can’t do this life thing without one and other. So let’s make this work. Nastiness is who you are and as shameful and embarrassing as it feels at times, it’s a part of who I am.”

It’s then in this conversation, that I see that my demons are not pulling me down. They are in fact a staircase, supplying the very structure from which I will use to climb to higher places. I will always have my flaws (and some pretty big ones), but I forgive my demons, just as I forgive myself.

To the people I love, I apologize for any nastiness, pettiness, and greed I may have shown you this year. In my heart I want only the best for all of us, just sometimes my demons get in the way.

I wish I could say this year I’m going to figure it all out, that I’ll become a perfect mother, wife, friend, writer, but I realize there’s no winning in this game, just trudging forward and forgiving along the way.

Besides, life would be no fun if we figured it all out, right?

As a side note: I’m excited to tell you about my next book, out April 1st, —Open Souls—all about meeting and greeting your demons. If you want more information you can go to the website and register to be notified about its release.

www.opensoulsbook.com

Peace to you all!