divorce

A Love Like This…

 

Seven months back, fresh out of a divorce,  I lay alone in my new home that overlooked the ocean.  The beautiful view felt meaningless as I cried and cried, not just for the loss of my husband, who I still loved dearly, but for the loss of hope, that two people could meet, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together. I had never felt so alone in my life.

A lot has happened in these seven months, I’ve found a job, bought a house and am doing all the necessary self-care things one must do to catch up on twenty-two years of marriage.

Lately I’ve been hanging out with a friend who is also single.  We’d do lunch, go for walks and slip into hours of conversation. Unlike most of my friends, he willingly listened to my grandiose thoughts about life’s beauty, divine love and the cosmic connection that links us all. He didn’t shoot it down or tell me I was silly…in fact I think my perspectives fueled him.

One day while sitting at an empty pizza place together, his tone seemed to change and he turned the conversation directly at me.  He told me how wonderful he thought I was, how simply beautiful. It was like he was mesmerized by my very being.  To be honest, this made me horribly uncomfortable.  My ex was a loving man but he rarely sang praises of me, nor did previous boy friends.  Honestly I didn’t even see myself as “beautiful” – just a goofy girl who has a knack of screwing things up.

But my friend saw it differently.  He saw the light in me, he saw my intensity….and he wasn’t afraid.  So as we sat there with our slices of pizza I decided to not fight his compliments.  I chose to let go of the notion that his praise would “go to my head”, and instead just take them as they were.

It took work for me to let this man across the table look upon me with love and admiration but as I sat there and let myself just be with it, I realized that maybe all that love I have poured out to people I meet–I was equally as deserving of myself.  Over the weeks I relaxed and opened up to him and let his funny little being slip into my heart.  He could see in me, what I saw in the rest of the world.  He was my mirror.  And even as I sit here alone at my computer, I can feel that love pour in.

He and I spent the evening, a few days before Christmas wandering the old streets of St. Augustine, Florida.  Tiny white Christmas lights seemed to guide our path, like fairies beckoning us on a lover’s journey.  In a back alley,  beside a glowing Christmas tree, he stole a kiss….then one more, then another and I swelled, lost in this feeling that I never thought I’d know.

Without effort or stipulations he loved me.

But seven months is not a lot of time for a newly divorced woman to find herself.  The more intense we got, the more a small voice within said, “Not now.”  As seductive and delicious the feeling of falling in love was, it was too much and I told him this…and the crazy thing is he understood.

“I don’t want to cause you any distress,” he said and I know he meant it.

So here I am, turning my back on this luscious love story–the exact thing that I have yearned for my whole life.

But it is okay.

The truth is love is not finite.  What I saw in him, what he saw in me are not tangible objects. True love does not end with the individual.  It flows through all things. And I know what he gave me–that awareness that I am indeed worthy of someone’s love will be carried forward into whatever life brings.

This is my time of healing. What comes in the future I do not know, but I do know that I am grateful beyond words for this man of romance who snuck in my life and showed me my own light.

Thank you.

romance

 

Have You Hugged Your Soul Mate Today?

soulmate

So, I was talking with a new friend of mine, Victoria. She’s a wise lady with wild, wavy blond hair in her fifties with a great deal of knowledge on a favorite subject of mine—sex. Victoria is a sex therapist, and a good one at that.

What makes Victoria so interesting is that she gets relationships implicitly. I’m sure sitting across from troubled couples for years helped in this matter.

And so the other day I asked her about a topic that has plagued me for decades: Soul mates. Yes, we’ve all seen the memes, read the books, believed the lore and I bet most of us at one point or another yearned to find our own, but I’m going to confess something to you. I don’t buy it.

Way back in the nineties I was deeply in love with a man, so much so that I was sure he was my soul mate. I devoted myself to this long haired musician who walked around campus barefoot and told jokes that made my heart sing. We were meant to be—that is until we weren’t.

My long-gone hippie soul mate now resides in New York City somewhere teaching college with perhaps his new and improved soul mate and kids of his own. This makes me happy to know.

I still wonder though. What about these lost loves? What about these soul mates who ended up just being soul-burdens? In our lifetime are we allotted only one of cupid’s arrows?

I’m married now and although I never reached that insane intensity I felt with my college beau, I connect with my husband on a very deep, soulful level.

So, here’s my question: Who in all this crazy life is my soul mate supposed to be? My wonderful grounded husband or is it that long lost college hippie dude… or maybe it’s one of the other sweethearts I have known along the way?

I posed this question to Victoria and she explained, “We have many soul mates.”

Upon hearing this I smiled, relieved. Now that made sense.

Throughout our lives, if we’re lucky, we fall in love numerous times, take new lovers, and romantically immerse ourselves in other people’s worlds.

Maybe the love we find in this life is not binary, but cumulative, each soul mate giving us something treasured that we can carry with us as we move on. Could life be a series of soul mates, each one showing us new things about ourselves? How wonderful to think we might pass through this existence intimately sharing a piece of who we are with many people.

And so I say, to hell with the old concept of a soul mate. Love finds its way into all the cracks of our existence. No need to limit your fate to one perfect person, because I promise you that perfect person will never exist. In fact, under Victoria’s paradigm, your soul mate can show up anywhere.

Your soul mate could be a current lover, but maybe it could also be a sister, your best friend, a beloved pet, or someone you loved years before. Wherever there is love, there is the potential for a soulful bond.

So, here’s my assignment for you, look around and think about the people you love. Look for those who get you implicitly, who smile when you shine.  Look for the people who can challenge you in ways no one else does and aren’t afraid of getting in close and revealing who they are. My guess is, without looking too hard, you will find that person (or people!) loving you deeply back.

I’m curious, do you feel you have found your one true soul mate? Do you have many? Or do you not believe in the concept at all. Comments are welcome below!

Peace,

Becky

www.OpenSoulsBook.com