Open Souls

The Paradox of Wanting


After my most recent book came out my friends and family thought they had me pegged, “Olivia is clearly you,” they’d say.

Olivia is my female protagonist– A sexually uptight, neurotic owner of a cupcake shop in St. Augustine, Florida. Now, if you know me at all you know I’m far from sexually uptight, I don’t live in St. Augustine, nor do I own a cupcake shop. Neurotic? Well, maybe.

1333x2000 open souls cover

Olivia has a problem in Open Souls. She found a box, opened it up and now she and Brad, a complete stranger, are both watching their identities dissolve as they slip into their own Pandora-like journeys.

At first Olivia finds herself in a state of spiritual awakening, suddenly aware of the beautiful details of the life, completely liberated from her fears. With this comes a sexual awakening that brings her an exquisite sense of self-awareness and freedom.

However after getting a taste for the divine, she is hungry for more. Crazed and manic, she finds herself a hopeless being of want, lust and desire.

While Olivia is not me, her story is my own; tasting happiness, but never being able to quite hold on to it.  Her story–our story is one of never ending desire.

The things I want: appreciation, love, attention, understanding… good food…sex! They are all ethereal. Moments in time that pass. In fact, in my experience, the act of wanting repels the exact things I want. The more I want, the more the more my desires run away, like a child wanting a rainbow so much she chases it to exhaustion, only to watch it fade, never to return.

Such a paradox we live in! Wanting, wanting, wanting in an endless loop. What an exhausting job it is to be the child chasing the rainbow.

I don’t know much, but I do know that we can never truly have what we think we want.

However if we sit back, let the breeze blow against our skin and simply BE, we might just realize that everything we truly desire we’ve in fact had all along.

oz shoes

I am proud of Open Souls. 

To help spread the word of my little book, Open Souls is free on Kindle between July 16th and 20th. Check it out!

Get Open Souls Free Here.

May your wants be little and your hearts be full.




Toxic Aspirations


Earlier today I met with a group of business women at an event called ‘Just Drop In’. I join them once a week with the hopes of understanding what being a small business owner is all about. They’re a compassionate group, who truly finds joy in what they do.

At our meeting I confessed to them my recent failure. Weeks earlier I had declared myself the “New Becky”. I told everyone the New Becky would focus on success. She would sell lots of books and give up at no cost. She would succeed because she was so dedicated to her cause.

I pictured the New Becky as this tall, slim, focused woman with a well-tailored dress. Her hair would be smooth and pulled back. I’d command people’s respect.

I explained to my friends how I pursued this new Becky for a month and a half. I bought business attire, posted goals on my office walls, and managed everything in my business life.

It worked great for a week until I found myself drowning in tasks. I was toggling too many projects. My shoulders were knotted tight and I was emotionally absent from my family. I kept on trying, kept on pushing, but I was irritable and anxious and had lost my sense of center. I was failing, I knew.   I hated myself for being weak and lazy and not being able to handle it all.

Finally, one day I broke down and cried to my husband. I was exhausted, and frankly I hadn’t been any more productive than when the “old Becky” was in charge.

After I told this story to my business friends, they all nodded. Everyone there knew the struggle…the balance of self-care and the drive for success.

It was suggested to me that perhaps I still hadn’t found the real me. Perhaps I was trying so hard to be everyone else’s version of me, I had no idea who I was. As my friend Daniella put it, “You need to find your authentic self.”

Each of the women I spoke with had a different way off being them. Some could work eleven hour days and that was fine by them, while people, like me, needed more reflective time. The trick to all of this according to Daniella was finding my purpose.

I thought on this. I decided my purpose is to bring joy to people through my words.

I know this may sound weak and lazy to some of you, like I’m copping out, but I know I cannot bring joy to others unless I am finding joy in myself.  This may not be true for everyone, but I can’t bring love to the world unless I have the time to find it within myself.

And so, today, in front of all of you, I declare a Newer Becky. One, who yes, keeps an expense report, and keeps up to date on her marketing material, but also takes time to walk on the beach, bake a batch of cookies, feel the beauty of nature, and revel in the love of my family and friends.

This ironically is the Becky I’ve been all along. The only difference is self-doubt has caused me to question who I really am.

If you ask me, life is too good to waste it on trying to be what we are not.

Work hard, love hard, and let peace rule the way.

You can find my books at

How do you balance spiritual life with your drive for success? Are they the same? Let me know!!!

Make it So!


A year or two ago, some friends on Facebook were discussing with starry-eyed optimism how easy it is to make change in our lives.

“Just choose it! That’s all it takes,” my friend said.

“That’s right!” the other one replied.

This pissed me off. That’s NOT how things work. I grumbled to myself.

The two went on and on with this discussion and frankly I wanted to vomit.

Give me a f@*$&ing break, I thought. Maybe these two freaks of nature think they can make their lives better by twitching their nose like Samantha on Bewitched, but that certainly was not me. No one has that much control over their lives.

I thought about their comments for days. Mulled over them. Steeped in them. And at the end of it I knew for sure that “thought control” wasn’t for me. I had baggage. A world of noise in my head…not to mention a diagnosis: General Anxiety Disorder. OCD. Bipolar. According to the people in my world I was clinically helpless.

I was taught that we have little to no control of who we are, where we go and where we end up. To the people in my world, life was like a bumper car ride. We may have a little freedom of movement initially, but in the end we’ll always be blocked from going anywhere.

Fast forward to today.

I’m out with a group of friends and I’m feeling my anger and sadness build. I hadn’t slept well the night before and I had some left over resentment boiling in me from the previous day. I was cranky and miserable.

Two years back in that situation I would have perpetuated it all: You are an awful person for having these feelings.I’d say. You should have stayed home.

I would have sat with my friends with my negative filter on, taking everything they said as an attack, or a sign of disapproval. I would have gone home that night and grumbled.

But this time I did something different. I decided to make change.

I excused myself from the group. Alone in the bathroom I breathed deep and I asked myself, What do you want?

I responded to my own question: I want to have a good time. I want us all to have a good time!

And in my calm state I heard the answer: Then make it so!

makle it so 2

I stepped from the bathroom and settled in my seat with my friends. I felt resolved not necessarily to have a super, crazy good time, but to be okay with where I was. I was no longer passive to my mood. I chose to be content.

Sure I was still tired, and yeah, the irritability was there, but I sat back and stopped trying. I stopped feeling guilty and mad at myself for the feelings that were going through my head. Instead of letting the dark and dank emotions grow, I released them. I no longer fought. The battle within me was over.

It didn’t take any magic, no nose twitching, or anything of the sort. I just redefined the picture.

I will have a good time, I told myself. And I did!   By shifting my reality, my visit with friends went from being potentially miserable to wonderful—one of the best outings I’ve had in a very long time.

I’m not saying this makes change easy—not for me anyway. Some days are bad. Some are worth grumbling over, some even require tears, but recognizing that we can take control of how we filter those experiences will ultimately affect the course of our lives!

I’m seeing that life is not like a bumper car ride, nor is it a merry-go-round…or a roller coaster. We are not passive! We are absolutely 100% active. I say ax the carnival ride metaphor all together and imagine yourself flying out over an open field. You have all the choice in the world, to go up, down, fast, slow. Yeah, it might be windy some days, but how that wind affects you is entirely up to you.

It’s your reality! Make it yours!

Wishing you peace and love,


Hey! If you like the ideas you see here you might enjoy my new book that’s coming soon! It’s called Open Souls. Take a peek. Sign up for my newsletter.